6 steps
- Understand the individual In Covey’s most famous book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, one of the seven habits is ‘seek first to understand... then to be understood’. Truly understanding what others are feeling is not always easy. We must stop thinking about ourselves and try to see things their way and empathise with them.
A common fault when talking to others is to think about what you are going to say next while they are talking. Truly understanding someone requires us to completely concentrate on what the other person is saying, not simply waiting to respond.
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Keep commitments When we break our promises to others, we make major withdrawals from their emotional bank accounts. However, keeping commitments is not just related to promises. It includes things such as arriving at work and appointments on time, fulfilling our duties and living up to every word that comes out of our mouths.
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Clarify expectations There is nothing more frustrating in a relationship than not understanding what is expected of you. People are not mind readers, and because each of us sees life differently and we all have different backgrounds and life experiences, expecting someone to just know what we want is not only unfair, it is unrealistic. It’s important that the person with whom you are dealing knows exactly what is expected of them.
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Attend to the little things Small courtesies, kind words and warm smiles are the things that brighten up a relationship. They show a recognition and an awareness of others. For success in relationships, the little things become the big things.
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Show personal integrity Nothing is more damaging to a relationship than a lack of integrity. Because the emotional bank account is based on trust, you could do all of the other things described above, but without trust, it will be to no avail. Integrity is defined as ‘wholeness, completeness or soundness’ – in this case, soundness of moral character. Integrity is the foundation upon which all successful relationships are built.
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Apologise sincerely when making a withdrawal We are all human. We all make mistakes. It’s part of life and learning. Knowing when you are wrong and admitting your mistakes in relationships prevents the wounds you’ve caused in others from festering and allows them to heal. When appropriate, a sincere apology will keep your relationship account in the positive, allowing you to maintain the balance that has been created in the previous steps.
